Anybody have a map?...

...because I'm not sure how I got here.

How did I get to where I am now? A parent of a "special needs" kid? Why have I been chosen to have this responsibility? Sometimes I wonder how my mental stability, my sobriety, my marriage, and my ability to raise both of my boys and treat them as fairly as possible, will ever withstand this enormous pressure.

Tonight we went to the city. Jake was happier and more exited than I've ever seen a human being be about anything. I worry about my husband sometimes, because he enjoys his own level of social anxiety, and, although he doesn't say it, I think he wishes for a more "normal" experience when we all go out together. The level at which Jake enjoyed our outing was a challenge in itself. He just couldn't slow down or stop screaming and exclaiming and laughing loudly , and with these highs comes some serious lows when he has to be asked to sit in his chair or not lay on the floor. We went to a fancy restaurant, and given the circumstances.. (1 year old and 3 year old would be a challenge for any family) we had a beautiful time. Jake had popcorn shrimp and french fries, Steve had trout almondine, and I had truffled risotto. Manny had whatever he wanted from our plates.

I noticed a middle aged dating couple at a table near us who were being a bit snarky about our messy and unconventional dinner arrangement (Jake in my lap part of the time, or Jake on the floor under the table part of the time, or Manny banging silverware.. or whatever). At one point I simply used all of my strength to hold Jake as tight as I could in my lap as he threw his weight from side to side and pinched my hands. I just had to do it for a few seconds and then he settled and sat. The couple were giving each other "the look" and were being quite rude. I caught only small hints of their conversation concerning us until Jake happened to take a break from his loud and constant verbal stimming without warning. I heard the lady say "..and NOW she's giving the BABY some of her risotto!" I had to laugh. Talk about being under a microscope. Thats just why you can't worry about what others think. I guess if you have nothing better to do in a restaurant than to examine someone's parenting choices right down to her decision to give a one year old the fancy restaurant version of mac 'n cheese, then I'm actually glad we showed up to stimulate what would have probably been pretty boring dinner conversation.

We had a wonderful time. Here's a video: