Jake was happy to arrive at Tips today for his third speech therapy visit. He seems to really like Elizabeth, and she has fun with him rolling around on the floor and playing. We only have thirty minutes, and that's too bad. It just seems to short.
Elizabeth said that this week she wants us to work on choices. "Do you want this? or this?" Jake does not respond at ALL to questions, especially choice questions. He also never answers "yes" even if you ask him if he wants his favorite things. He simply reaches and gestures. I have gotten so good at anticipating his needs and reading his cues, that I barely need him to talk to me at all. How frustrating is that? I try to live the Attachment Parenting lifestyle and learn to read my children's' cues, and it almost seems like its backfiring on me? What?!
So, by her example, if Jake wants something to drink, I say "Do you want milk, or juice?" and if he doesn't answer me, I should withhold the drink and try later. I think. I'm not sure if that is right. I'm still a little confused. Besides, Jake would rather starve to death than answer a simple question. Today we bought some of his favorite foods.. his VERY favorite being blueberries. He wanted me to open the fridge and pointed to the top shelf. All of the fruit was up there, so I thought this was a good time for a challenge. Even though I knew he wanted blueberries, I took out the blueberries and an apple, holding both near my face to encourage eye contact. "Blueberries, or apple?" I asked. Jake looked me right in the eyes and then looked at the blueberries. Normally there would be no question. I had to resist and still ask "which one, blueberries, or apple." I felt really silly. HE knows that I knew what he wanted. I asked him "Please use your words, say 'apple' or 'blueberries'" He just reached for the blueberries. I asked him again to use his words. He walked away.
We repeated this episode several times during the day. The blueberries still sit on the top shelf, untouched. Jake would rather go without than to ask for something. I even put his precious stopsign on top of the bunk bed just to see if he'd ask me. After a few minutes,he realized what game we were playing and walked away.
Elizabeth also said that Jake needs to be engaged for about 75 percent of the day. Wow. Jake hates being engaged. After about 5 or 10 minutes of constant engagement, he starts to pinch and pull. After 20 minutes or so he will break down, often crying for hours. Then again some days he wants my undivided attention, ALL DAY, just like other three year olds. I really love those days, though they are few and far between.
Am I up for this challenge? Do I have my doubts? I'd say yes to both questions. I've had quite a few bad moments today though. A nagging voice in my head keeps telling me "You can put yourself through hell, it won't do any good, he's never going to talk to you." This voice sounds similar to the one that told me that something was wrong way back when he was a year old or younger. I don't like that voice. Sometimes it is right. I know I sound negative, but here in this blog is where I tell how I really feel.
Again, I'm feeling like every bit of this is "my project." Steve is so supportive and helpful, yet I'm the one who researches on the Internet for insight on everything. I'm the one left with the responsibility to locate doctors, make appointments and decide which avenues to take. I'm the one who reads the materials and researches the various facilities and public and private programs. Steve works hard to provide benefits and income so that I can pick and choose who sees Jake, and although I'm flattered that he says that he refers to me for most of the parenting decisions and trusts my judgement, that leaves a heavy burden on me. What if I make the wrong decisions? What if something I do is a HUGE mistake?
Meanwhile, do I spend 75% of my day engaging Jake? I'm willing to give up my own endeavors such as the occasional dog grooming and the sewing business, no problem, but engaging Jake can be so exasperating, and often causes me to lose my temper, or causes him to break down and cry.. begging for hugs and cuddles from a mom who is just tired, or who needs pay attention to Manny. And what about Manny. How can I engage Jake for 7.5 out of ten waking hours and remember my other son, a nursing baby who still only sleeps for a couple of hours at a time per night? Its all so confusing.
I have been told up to this point that Jake is "fine" by just about everyone: friends, doctors, my husband, my family. We developed certain routines, certain coping mechanisms, and created an entire lifestyle around coping with how Jake was. We were pretty restricted, and knew that there were certain situations that we just couldn't cope with with Jake en tow. Now that he's being challenged, it is becoming more and more obvious how behind he is in so many ways, and it is just eating me up. Denial was easier. This kinda sucks.
I could probably rant longer, but I should probably figure out how to turn this blog more toward the positive. This blog is devoted to the subject of how I am dealing with Jake and his issues, and sometimes it just has to be this way, I guess. Here is the only place where I can concentrate all the feelings into one place. In my real life this subject is diluted by life. The trips to the grocery store, the laughter, the music, my recent obsession with the Wii Fit and getting in shape despite myself, the fact that Jake, Manny and I all have colds, and nobody is sleeping, the planning of birthday parties and cookouts, playdates, sewing, dinner cooking, kids clothes shopping, watching a baby guy grow up and learn to clap, stand by himself, and talk. So please don't think that just because this blog doesn't sound so cheerful at the moment that I'm living life as a depressed mama walking around in a funk all the time, because I'm not. It just is what it is.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
