...when someone tells you that they suspect that their child may have a social/learning disability.
1. "Oh, he's fine, don't worry about it."
Despite the fact that you may be in the presence of a child who is beautiful, laughing, and happy, the parent that you are talking to has spent countless sleepless nights (perhaps for years) worrying about their child. They are the best judge of whether or not their child needs to be evaluated, and this statement simply isn't helpful. Besides that, it is dismissive of their fears.
2. "Oh, all kids are different, just let him be himself."
The parent may be dealing with a child who is "especially different." It also implies that the parent doesn't love and accept the child for who he is. And again, it is dismissive.
3. "Did you vaccinate him?"
Wow. How can you ask such a question? This implies that the parent recklessly caused the child to have a disability by ignoring the warnings that circulate in the natural parenting community. I have been asked this too many times to count by parents in the AP community, which is the community that I relate the most to, and choose to associate with. If you are worried about your own children and wish to discuss the vaccination debate with a parent of a child with a disability, there are other ways to open up the conversation in a more sensitive manner such as "How do you feel about vaccinations." For the record, Jake was fully vaccinated. Manny is not.
I am 100% open to discussions about vaccines. However following "We may think that Jake has a spectrum disorder." with "Did you vaccinate?" is accusatory and hurtful. You don't ask a parent who's child has a bruise "Well, did you hit him?" Other things may have caused the bruise.
3. "They want to diagnose everything these days (or anything concerning over-diagnosis)."
Its true that a lot of things are being given names these days that we used to not consider, however, when it is YOUR child who is having issues,all you want is an answer, and if giving a name to the particular group of symptoms that your child is experiencing is helpful, then so be it. I have talked to parents of adult disabled children recently who deal with great resentment because their children lived during a time when there was no treatments or programs available to their child. DIAGNOSIS does not hurt anybody, nor does physical or occupational therapy. This is yet another dismissive statement.
4. "I've noticed some things in the past, but didn't want to say anything."
There is simply no point in saying this. I have been delicately and sensitively approached by people in the field of child development concerning Jake's issues, and although I may have been a little bit defensive, I took their advice to heart, and it has helped me. This is a statement that is better off kept to yourself. It implies that you are better qualified than a child's parent or other caregivers to know when it is time for evaluation.
5. "But he's SMART!"
Of course he's smart. When dealing with spectrum disorders you are often dealing with children with high IQs and amazing skills, like Jake's drawing, reading and writing, for instance. This does not mean that the child would not benefit from some social therapy. It simply isn't helpful to point out the obvious and it implies that the parents are paranoid, overreacting, or seeking help that their child does not need.
What should you say? Just something supportive. Maybe "If you need to talk..." or "You have a beautiful child and I know you love him. You'll do what is right." or even better "My children would love to play with your child." If you have experienced a disability or other crisis, share stories and insight. I know that people don't always know what to say, and thats OK, just think before you speak.
ETA:
This post may sound angry, but it came after a particulary hurtful conversation, the tone of which was that we are actually doing a disservice to Jake by having him evaluated. The AP community seems to be so bent on being kind to our children, that we forget to be kind to each other as adults.
