I urged my father to read this blog, but whether or not he will, or if he will read it in its entirety is doubtful. If you do read this dad, I'm hope that this post doesn't offend you, but I think that our conversation today pretty much sums up what I am up against.
During our phone conversation, I decided to confront my father about Jake's issues. He began by saying that Jake is just Jake, and that he puts little stock in these "doctors" and their "cures." I think I have covered my feelings on being told that "they diagnose everything these days" in past blog posts. I won't go into it again, but I will say that after I explained it to my Dad, he seemed to understand a little more.
I guess one of the statements that Dad made that really truly hurts is that maybe I "shouldn't mention or discuss this with other members of the family." Wow, how truly southern. I asked him why I should be denied the love and support of my family. Should we really sweep Jake's issues under the rug and not talk about it? Are we to be that family at the reunion where others whisper "Yes, there's something not quite right about that one, we don't know what it is, but they say they've got him in some special school or something", yet nobody comes up to us and says "How are you holding up? Is there anything we can do to help? or If you ever need to talk.." My children are my everything, and these worries about Jake consume me, so its pretty much a given that its ALL I want to talk about. And talk about it I will, nothing can stop me. I suppose I will be avoiding more and more family gatherings if this is to be the climate. I mean.. why bother with family unity if there is no support system? My mother might argue that I have not "been there" through certain family crisis, but who is the parent in this situation? Even though I am a parent to my own children, do I not deserve parents to support me in my time of need? Since several years before my marriage, I feel that my best and only support has come from a few very close friends, actual support groups, and now my husband. To be told not to seek out what should be my very first line of defense, my family, even though it doesn't come as a surprise, really hits me hard.
While at Mamaw's recent 80th birthday party, I spoke at length about Jake to my very favorite cousin, who happens to be my parent's age. When I was a teenager, he singled me out at a family gathering and told me "Don't be afraid to be whoever you want to be, and trust me, I know how hard that can be in a family where every member tends to keep their head in the sand. It ok to be different, and you know what I mean." I mentioned the lack of acknowledgement and support that I'm experiencing concerning Jake and he laughed and called our family "The Empire of Denial". He also told me that he was 50 years old before the family stopped asking him why he wasn't married. We laughed (I don't think I have to explain the punchline).
All in all my father seems to "get it" a little more, but I'm pretty sure that he'd be just as happy if I never ever mentioned any of my worries again. Unfortunately, I can't do that. Life is uncomfortable, and being emotionally unavailable is not the solution. Our conversation ended by my dad telling me that he thinks I'm doing the right thing and that he'll support me in what I'm doing. I really can't ask for more.
I love you Dad.
