Well, not really, but I'm sure someone would think so. Today was quite a day. Steve is off work this week so we took my van to the shop (door fell off track and will be fixed to the tune of $500) first thing this morning, then it was off to Cindy's for OT at 8:30. Last night Steve and I hung an eye bolt for making a baby sling swing for Jake to use as part of his "sensory diet." We brought the swing along with us to show Cindy. She was delighted and wants one for herself. The session went well, and I was glad that Steve was able to go with me so that he could ask some questions of his own and get answers first-hand from Cindy.
After OT it was time to cross the parking lot to go see Dr. Michaels for re-checks on both boys. As usual, there was over an hour wait in the lobby, followed by half that in the room, but sometimes it is worth it to see a very good Doctor, which Dr. Micheals certainly is. My hands shook and I had a hard time keeping it together in the waiting room. I didn't want to discuss vaccinations....
Dum dum dummmmmmmm....(enter the worst mother in the world)
Last night I spent a couple of hours crying and tearing myself up about vaccinations for Manny. Honestly, I really don't THINK that vaccines cause autism, however I am living with the guilt and the what-ifs that go with that. When Manny got his single shot of dtap, I drove home with terror in my heart, shaking, nauseated, basically saying to myself, "What have I done? What if it hurts him. What if I fucked him up? What if.. what if..." The problem is, children sometimes ARE hurt by vaccines. I am terrified, and my fear isn't just some irrational, uneducated drama caused by reading articles by Jennie McCarthy. I've seen vaccine reactions in animals when I was a vet tech. I've seen animals drop dead after a parvo shot. There are anti-vaccine people (I'm not one of them, I promise) out there who would probably say "How could you? How could you just give Jake 30something shots without thinking about it? How can you be such a cow? Are you the worst mother in the world?" Maybe?
On the other hand, there are terrible diseases out there that my son could catch. Dr. Michaels made several very well thought out, very intelligent points that, while I'm standing there, make perfect sense. He is OK with a delayed schedule, he is OK with Manny getting one shot at a time, hell, he's OK with no vaccinations at all. "I am here to help you make a decision, not to sway you one way or the other." But he also points out that children catch Meningitis and die or end up in a wheelchair. There are many many people who might say "How can you just ignore that these diseases are out there and risk these terrible terrible things that could happen to your child? Are you an uneducated hillbilly? Are you the worst mother in the world?" Yeah, dammit, probably.
Manny received no vaccinations today.
Dr. Michaels agreed with me in thinking that Manny's tone is a bit low. I didn't really want to hear that, even though I already knew it. To me Manny shows signs of sensory issues, but I haven't noticed any autistic symptoms yet. When Jake was Manny's age he had plenty of symptoms, and more and more were manifesting every day.
During the exam Dr. Michaels was concerned about Manny's spots. Manny was born with several birthmarks, very similar in size, shape and color to one I have on my ankle. More birthmarks appeared probably during the first 6 months of his life. He said that this was something to watch as a symptom of a disease called Neurofibromatosis. I thanked him for giving me something new to obsess over. I guess I didn't realize the seriousness of this disease until I came home and did some reading. This is a disease that you can not test for, but that manifests itself over the course of many years, sometimes not until puberty or early adulthood, and can range from mild to severe to life-threatening. It can cause disfigurement, pain, blindness, deafness, learning disabilities, tumors in any part of the body, and death. Of course, he could just have birthmarks. Up until today I have always loved his birthmarks, thinking that they were just the cutest thing I've ever seen. I am proud of them and tend to show them to people because they are so darned cute. A child with 5 or more cafe au lait spots should be watched very closely. He has many, even in the groin and armpit areas, areas of special concern. I don't have a good feeling about this. I have lost my ability to have an "it won't happen to me" attitude or an "ignore it and it will go away" outlook. Worrying about my baby for the next 20 years, or seeing symptoms show up, I wonder how I will stay afloat. A couple of people have already said "Oh, don't worry too much about it." Steve says that he just isn't the type to worry about that kind of thing until something happens with it. I will probably cease to talk about it much anymore. But I will probably think about it every day, and spend a few more minutes inspecting him every day. And, of course, it could just be birthmarks.
Moving on, we discussed Jake's current progress and the next steps. All of the blood tests were non-indicative of any metabolic disorders. We may end up doing genetic testing at a later time, and I told Dr. M that Jake will see Dr. Dunbar. He seemed satisfied with our course of action.
I feel like I am breathing underwater and fending off a nervous breakdown at this point. I sat around kind of pissed off and numb today. When I sit around and frown, Jake crawls into my lap and uses his pokey little fingers to shove the corners of my mouth up and says "Smile, Mommy!" I tried but eventually just told him to shove off. I blew off bellydance class and most of my nightly socializing for sheer lack of mental energy. I'm sort of surprised I wrote all of this. I yelled at my kids and made them cry because I just couldn't stand it any more. Whether or not I vaccinate really doesn't make me the worst mother in the world. Wishing sometimes that I had skipped the whole motherhood thing altogether does.
